pslplz | Futureverse

The atmosphere is heavier, Hokuto can sense it instantly in the way he smiles. She wishes he wouldn’t bother with those pretenses around her, but she doesn’t speak on it.

What’s he like. Oh, Seiichi. Why are you doing this to yourself?

She frowns slightly.

“He’s a programmer. He fixed Nami’s synth a little while ago. He seems sweet. I’ve only met him a handful of times.”

A programmer? Like a nerd? That doesn't sound like Akaya's type (insofar as he can be said to have such a thing). Not that it's a bad thing to be-- it's just odd to try to imagine that as the kind of person attached to Akaya's hip. It doesn't seem right.

How much could you guess about seriousness from those small tidbits? The gut reaction is to think of course it isn't serious. But would he bring him to more than one after party if it wasn't serious? How many was a few?

He seems sweet.

Yukimura relaxes.

"That isn't serious. Sweet isn't Akaya's taste for the long run." He needs someone who can add some spice to things. A sweet programmer sounded like someone safe, predictable, and boring. Probably good for an occasional cheering up, though.

"So, how long has he been playing with him?"

There’s something a little nasty about that question that takes Hokuto aback.

“Seiichi...”

She finds herself at a loss on how to answer. Even if she knew when they started dating, it seems wrong to go along with her brother’s characterization of it. But she can’t really bring herself to call him out on it either, because she knows why he’s doing this. And it makes her feel a little breathless from the hurt.

Hokuto sets her chopsticks aside and leans across the table to take her brother’s hand in hers.

“What is it you really want to know?”

Was that so harsh? Certainly, it was blunt-- blunter than he usually is-- but he doesn't think it should warrant a Seiichi.

That's the knee-jerk thought, anyway, until Hokuto takes his hand and asks that dreadful question that stops him cold. It stops him because he realizes in that moment is that what he really wants to know cannot be answered in any questions about Akaya and this new thing he has:

Will I ever find that kind of happiness too?

If he didn't have doubts about that, the ghost of this relationship wouldn't continue to haunt him, and he wouldn't have to fear losing something he'd already thrown away.

He averts his eyes. "I'm sorry. Nothing."

It’s not nothing though, is it? If it were, he wouldn’t look away when he says it. Hokuto thinks this is a bad habit of his. It was the same when he got sick. He’s stubborn and independent. Unable to show weakness. Maybe he couldn’t because he was a captain back then, but before he had that title, he was also a brother.

She falls silent for a moment, but doesn’t let go of his hand.

“...you know, growing up, I used to think how unfair it was, that we were always forced to share everything. Half of the room, half of the toys. Half the attention.”

Hokuto looks down at their hands as she threads their fingers together, smiling.

“Now I think, I wouldn’t have it any other way. So tell me. If you need me to share your burden. That’s what I’m here for.”

Sweet Hokuto, she puts up with so much out of him sometimes. The problem is that it's not her burden too this time, at least it shouldn't be. Hokuto isn't just his sister. She's also Akaya's bandmate and friend, and this conversation places her in an awkward position. It was thoughtless and self-indulgent to engage her with these questions. Moreover, he doesn't get to see Hokuto very often. He doesn't want to squander it dwelling on things she shouldn't be involved with. This was their time.

And, if any further reason were needed to put an end to this unbecoming behavior, it's unproductive to say anything further on the issue. If Akaya seeing anyone else is really such a problem, that's not something to be addressed with angsting over dinner. He can do something about it or accept it and shut up. There are no other options.

He squeezes Hokuto's hand.

"No. There isn't any meaning in continuing this conversation. Let's change the subject."

It doesn’t need to have a meaning, Hokuto wants to say. Feelings don’t always make sense, and if they’re messy and upsetting, then why not acknowledge that? She thinks Seiichi tries too hard to push those feelings aside, when what he ought to do is talk about them and work them out.

But she can’t force him to talk if he doesn’t want to, and he will deal with things as he always has. Sometimes, she wishes he’d let her in. She squeezes his hand back, careful not to let her disappointment show.

“Okay.”

Futureverse

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