pslplz | Futureverse

Well. This wasn't attractive at all.

Jae-ha is not one to get nervous, still less to show it. Really, why should here be any different? It's important, sure, but he's an irresistibly charming guy! Why wouldn't his brother be happy to see him?

Deep down, he knows the answer to that question, and it's what's kept him from trying to reconnect with him this long. Every time he's thought of trying to talk to Akaya, a feeling of dread congeals in his stomach. Give yourself some more time, he always decided, and he always only felt worse next time. Each wait made it harder to alter the previous outcome, a vicious trap of his own making.

Kija, of course, didn't understand at all; he never would have fallen for such self-sabotage. Sometimes, Jae-ha envies him for his beautiful simplicity: things are how they are, and however bad, there's a responsibility to make it better. Once upon a time, Jae-ha could have mocked this mentality. He's come to respect it over time, even adore it.

And so here he waits by the vending machines at Akaya's apartment complex. Because if he can't show the same kind of courage, what right does he even have to look at the man as an equal?

God but it's getting late... Late enough that he's starting to wonder about bags under his eyes. So late that it's early. So late, that by the time he finally does spot Akaya he's too tired and impatient for nervousness, and he hops out in front of him with all the flair and flamboyance of a man who hasn't for a single second considered the possibility of being unwelcome.

"Yoooo, welcome home!" He greets. "Are you surprised to see me? I made a special trip out."

It's been a long day. Akaya actually has actually been up since 7am, which is hella early for him, because the band had a media event to go to. It's the kind of thing they don't really tell you about before you get famous. Being in a band isn't just about making music and playing concerts. There's a shit ton of other work that happens, inevitably at balls o'clock in the morning.

Then there was a photo shoot with the hip new lifestyle e-zine that took up several more hours. Followed by some time with his manager and the team heading up the administration of the upcoming tour. A few hours of actual music in the studio and now he's finally heading home.

Aside from a few snatches of sleep here and there on a green room couch or back of a car, he's been up almost 20 hours.

He's looking forward to face planting into his bed and being unconscious for the next ten hours.

Instead, he's greeted by this.

There might have been a time when Akaya would've done almost anything to see that ugly face, but that hope has long since passed. Years of waiting in disappointment and anger eventually turned into indifference and detachment. After all, if his brother didn't give a fuck, then why should he?

So of course, his reaction should've been how he'd always pictured it would be: an eyeroll, a shrug. Not even a glance backward as he walked past.

Instead, he finds himself balling his fist and then stepping in without hesitation to slug him across the face.

Apparently, the rage never went away. Typical.

Jae-ha never sees it coming. In hindsight, he really should have. Did, even, until it got late and Akaya showed up and for that moment, he really was just so elated to see his brother that he forgot about the possibility Akaya might not immediately feel the same way.

The punch finds its mark right between the eyes. Down he goes.

It's about three seconds of lying on the ground before he fully processes what just happened. He sits up and cups his hand over his nose. There's blood. He snorts.

"Reflexes are nice. I can see I don't need to worry about you walking home alone at night."

Worry? What the fuck. If he really worried about Akaya, he should've shown up a lot sooner. In his absence, Akaya has learned to take care of himself.

He should step over that prone body, shut the door behind him, and crash into bed as he planned to, before this interruption. But Akaya's exhaustion has been replaced by aggravation. It's not as though he'll be able to sleep, now.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he hisses under his breath.

No to icebreakers, then. All right, smooth guy: what now?

Jae-ha runs a hand through his bangs and gets back up to his feet. "You mean as opposed to somewhere in the middle of the ocean? Well. They say every voyage comes to an end sooner or later."

It's not what Akaya really means, and Jae-ha knows it, but he's trying to save as much face as he can, and build to what he knows he needs to say, but that is so hard to actually get out.

"Funny. I was pretty sure yours was a one-way trip." You walk out on Akaya, you'd better make sure you don't come back. Not unless you're ready to face the consequences, and a bloody nose. Akaya has never done anything half-assed in his life, and he's not about to start now. Definitely not with his idiot brother.

Jae-ha doesn't answer that right away. Old him would have bragged about how freely he moved with his whims-- whether it was away from family or towards it-- but that was exactly what had caused this mess, wasn't it? I'll stay when it suits me, but you can't count on me.

It's no wonder why Akaya is giving him the dismissal.

He knew going in this talk wasn't going to be easy, and it's fair that it isn't. Why should Akaya believe this greeting is any different if he can be shaken off with a few acidic words?

And still it's so difficult. Apologizing, admitting he was wrong, opens up the possibility that Akaya will reject it, and him with it. And he'll have lost the chance to reconcile with him forever at that point. At least when it's a hypothetical future discussion, the possibility remains.

"You're angry..." Jae-ha scoffs. "I suppose you have a right to be."

"I'm not angry," Akaya snaps.

A lie, an obvious one. But saying he's angry would be the same as saying he's hurt, that it affects him, and he's worked so hard to erase him from his life that it's hard to admit that much. He can't help it though, if his feelings come out like a reflex. If he'd known he was about to be ambushed, he would've been better prepared.

It is an obvious lie, and Jae-ha recognizes it for the defense mechanism that it is.

"Akaya..."

The name is a stall. How would Kija approach this, Jae-ha wonders, and how can he adapt it to make it more his own style? (Jae-ha would never admit it, but he admires Kija for his earnestness and strength to take ownership of a situation. He would never admit it, but he knows that those qualities would make Kija a far better big brother than him).

He sighs.

"I'm not going to stand here and make excuses. I put myself before my family under a promise to myself that I wouldn't be tied down by anything or anyone I hadn't chosen for myself..." Another scoff. "I called it a promise to myself, but it was a cowardly excuse, wasn't it? A cop-out."

It's infuriating, how easy it is to fall back into the same pattern of hurt and anger. Why can't he be indifferent and tell him to fuck off like he always said he would, in his mind? And the annoying part of it is, Jae-ha doesn't believe him. Is he really so obvious? Was he always going to be this snot-nosed little brother that's so painfully child-like, clinging to the sleeves of his brother?

"So what happened? You changed your mind? How long's that gonna last this time?"

Jae-ha bites his tongue. His instinct is to snark, to challenge Akaya, and that's not going to be a good idea here. Akaya is a competitive sort; Jae-ha doesn't want that for the question of who'll outlast whose current position on whether it's worth Akaya's while to give him another chance.

"You're entitled to your skepticism. And what value would my answer have? Words don't mean anything when they don't come with action. So instead of making you a promise here, I'm going to show you that I mean it. Every chance I get, for as long as it takes to earn back what I didn't cherish the way I should have before. I'm 26 years too late to be the big brother you deserved. If I have to work another 26 to show you I'm serious, well, that seems more than fair.

"...I hope it won't come to that, though, because I'll be pretty old and useless by then."

Akaya expects more snark in Jae-ha's response. He's pushing buttons on purpose, itching for a fight. He wants to hit him where it hurts, because he has a deeply buried fear that nothing he does could affect Jae-ha in the way he wants it to. After all, if Akaya mattered to him, then why would he have stayed away for all these years?

"What makes you think you're useful now?" What's this 'brother Akaya deserved' look like? It might sound like a bitchy rhetorical question. But the messed up thing is, he might actually be expecting an answer to this.

Ah! A critical hit! Jae-ha is vain enough and proud enough for that one to sting. Still, at least Akaya was arguing over whether he was useful, and not on whether he was still young.

It's hard not to fall into the banter, to lighten the mood with a ridiculous answer because it's so uncomfortable right now. Jae-ha doesn't like heavy serious conversations like this. But hasn't that been half the problem all these years? He hasn't been willing to take the serious things seriously. And now Akaya wants to know why he should believe he's ready to start. He asks, understandably, not what makes him useful compared to his future, but what makes him useful compared to his past.

Jae-ha stands quietly facing him.

"Now I'm here. And I'm sorry."

It's not easy for Akaya either, standing here feeling tired and vulnerable and exposed. It would be so much easier if he could walk away. And maybe if Jae-ha fell back into his usual stupidity and banter, then he would have. But his brother doesn't change the subject or laugh it off, even though he clearly looks uncomfortable (good) and out of his element.

I'm here. I'm sorry.

Strange, how words he wanted to hear all his life can suddenly come out of no where when he least expects. What is he supposed to say to that? He's not prepared.

He bites his lip and looks away.

Goddamn it.

Edited 2020-07-13 01:28 (UTC)

And that, Jae-ha thinks, is enough torment for the both of them for right now. He can in fact see that Akaya is exhausted, and he probably needs time to process some things.

"It looks like it's been a long day for you. I won't keep you-- get some rest. I'll be in touch."

Oh no, he won't.

Like a reflex, Akaya reaches and grabs his wrist, hard. What he means to do, he has no idea. Maybe he just thinks if Jae-ha walks away now, he won't see him again, and that this was all just a bad joke.

Edited 2020-07-13 01:43 (UTC)

Jae-ha is surprised. Had he been reading Akaya wrong about wanting to go traipsing up to his apartment and crashing? Perhaps he wasn't as tired as he looked?

It would be easy to look at that snared wrist and liken it to a shackle, someone telling him No, you can't go anywhere. Funny thing, it doesn't bother him this time. After all, he has no intention of flying off again. There's no resistance.

"...One more punch for the road? You're allowed. I won't stop you."

This is the problem with emotions. They make you act in ways you haven't thought through. Like grabbing for your brother when what you should've done is ... well, something else a lot less childish and clingy. But Akaya never was very good at hiding how he feels, especially the more heated kind of emotions.

He pulls him close into his space, lifting his other hand to thump his fist against Jae-ha's chest, a sort-of punch that turns into a grab into his shirt as he presses his forehead against him.

Oh...

Well, Jae-ha can't say he expected or even deserved this. That almost looks like forgiveness right there on the spot. And it ought to be a relief, something to be joyous over, but really it makes him feel terrible all over again. Because it is also palpable just how much his actions have hurt Akaya in the past. Jae-ha put himself first, second, and third, and left a trail of pain in his wake.

He lifts his free hand and cups the back of Akaya's head, cradling it to his chest. He won't say a word.

No matter how far or for how long his brother has traveled, Jae-ha still has that familiar scent, so damningly nostalgic. Akaya missed him. That doesn't mean all is forgiven, but if he asks for a chance to be in his life again, was there ever a chance he could say no? Maybe only in his imagination, at the height of his anger. He can only cut him off if he didn't love him anymore.

"I hate you so much," he says weakly.

At that, Jae-ha laughs quietly. It's not a mocking laugh, though. It's almost-- dare he say it-- brotherly.

"I love you, too."

"Hn," Akaya says, but doesn't try to refute him. They were never really great at I love yous. He loosens his grip on the wrist (which probably has a mark on it by now from his fingers).

"Where are you staying...?"

There is a mark there, but Jae-ha hasn't made a peep about it, nor does he intend to.

"The Murasaki complex on the west side of Harajuku. Number 405." Like his birthday, the 4th of May. How could he call it anything but destiny to find an apartment with that number in the heart of all the city's youth and fashion?

Anyway, you know he means it about being found if he gets that specific.

Somehow, it's not surprising. Of course he'd pick a place where all the beautiful people are. Akaya snorts.

At least he's got an address, which almost sounds like he's putting down roots. Maybe he'll be true to his word, after all.

"...do you wanna come up?"

Akaya surely needed to go to bed (for that matter so did he), but there's no way that Jae-ha came all the way out here, waited half the night to ambush him on the street, took a sucker punch to the pavement, and endured the humiliation of laying bare all of his past mistakes and idiocy all so he could turn down his first invitation back into Akaya's life. Not a goddamn chance.

"Lead the way."

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